Month: January 2024

• The employment description for future Oval Office staffers has been revised. The following provision has been added; “Candidates must be able to understand and interpret mumbling and incoherent statements.”

• Little Johnny Miller was given a detention by his kindergarten teacher for not applying himself when he returned his art homework. Frustratingly she told him, “A two-year old could have done better.” But that wasn’t the half of it. She was even more upset when she found out that it was not his own work, but rather, something his father bought from some guy named Hunter.

• Death row inmates are being offered a reprieve; take a job on Kamala Harris’ staff. No takers so far!

• More Carnac! Carnac predicts the answer to the question in the envelope is; Out of gas. And the question is (opening the sealed envelope); What is the status of Biden’s EV mandate?

• What does it say about a political party when the person making the most sense sustained brain damage from a stroke?

• What are the chances of a societal framework known as DEI surviving when it’s acronym could just as easily be DIE?

• Climate change zealots will tell you that the polar vortex is being disrupted by our ravaging of the environment. Oh, so that’s why there is snow on the ground, ice on the lakes, and negative temperatures on the thermometer? Or could it be because we’re in North Dakota?

• There was a lot of consternation over Secretary Austin being AWOL for nearly a week. Kamala has been missing for a lot longer than that and no one seemed to notice.

• Oh no! With John Kerry leaving his post as climate czar the earth is sure to be burned to a cinder in no time.

• We’re belatedly finding out that Beetle Bailey was in charge while Secretary Austin was in the ICU.

• It’s a good time to get an EV. They’re free! Dealers are giving them away!

• As the “Epstein List” is coming out we’re finding that there was extensive association with Bill, Hillary, and even, Chelsea. What was Epstein thinking!!!

• Oh no! Evidence has emerged that Claudine Gay’s resignation letter was plagiarized.

• And more news out of Harvard! The Curriculum Committee has announced a new course offering; “How To Effectively Use Quotation Marks in Your Writings.”

• The Egyptians have nothing over on us when it comes to mummifying their leaders. Bet their mummies weren’t able to stumble, mumble, and jumble like ours does.

• We are in good hands for 2024. The president resolves to eat more ice cream.