Month: February 2023

• America has a new diplomatic powerhouse; Janet Yellen. Yesterday she was in Kyiv meeting with President Zelensky. Word has it that today she is on her way to Moscow to give Vlad a piece of her mind. Vlad reportedly is so traumatized that he called in sick.

• A representative of the Sinaloa cartel has been named to the United Nations commission on human trafficking. Another representative is also being considered for assignment to the Merits of Fentanyl committee. The UN Secretary General expressed his appreciation to the cartel for providing such renowned experts in these areas of expertise.

• The Department of Energy has issued their report regarding the origin of the COVID-19 virus. They have traced it to a little seven year old named Wang Yong Zheng from Huanggang, China. DoE believes Wang Yong contracted the disease from his pet five-toed jerboa and spread the disease to his classmates when he forgot to sneeze into his sleeve.

• From now on President Biden is only allowed to go down stairs. Going up stairs has proven to be very hard on his hands and knees.

• The popularity of the movie “Cocaine Bear” over the weekend is proof that the human race is in decline.

• Latest polls indicate that the only Americans who want to see Biden run for re-election are Jill Biden, Hunter Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Mickey Mouse.

• Portland, Oregon residents were thankful for the record 11 inch snowfall last week. For a short time, albeit for only about 24 hours, their downtown did not resemble downtown Mariupol, Ukraine or Baltimore.

• In Biden’s Equity World straight white men will only be allowed to wear bearskin robes and hunt mammoths with clubs and spears.

• Kamala Harris has added an extra staffer to her entourage when she goes to meetings, speeches, or other gatherings. This person will be responsible for carrying and waving the “Please Clap” sign.

• Russia’s economy just got a new shot in the arm. Biden has imposed additional sanctions on them.

• In trigger-happy Biden World all hot air balloons are now required to display a conspicuous sign on the side that reads “Chinese Spy Balloon” to avoid being shot down by mistake.

• Jill Biden says they are ready to announce their bid for a second term in the White House. She says Joe fully supports her decision.

• Bus drivers in Washington DC are refusing to travel on New Jersey Ave past the Southeast Federal Center (headquarters for the US Department of Transportation). A bus company spokesman said, “Buttigieg has been throwing lots of people and companies under their buses and they no longer want to be a part of it”.

• And now this! The Department of Transportation has announced that they are soliciting bids to contract for a travel agency to plan the Secretary’s first trip to East Palestine, Ohio. The Department estimates that their review and selection process should be completed in about a month.

• AOC is proposing a $100M aid package for East Palestine. She says they need the money to help safeguard their citizens in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

• Volodymyr Zelenskyy has announced the Ukrainian purchase of five Hunter Biden paintings for $2M. Look at the bright side! It’s the first instance where we are able to trace where any of our billions of aid money has gone.

• The Bottlecap Balloon Brigade from northern Illinois has declared war on the US for the unprovoked attack on their air force. President Biden has demanded they stand down, or a tactical nuclear response could be in the offing. Hunter Biden has been sent to northern Illinois to de-escalate the situation.

• John Kerry has fired his travel agent. They dared to put him up in a four-star resort.

• Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot has closed O’Hare Field to aviation until further notice. In her announcement of this unprecedented action she said, “Afterall, homeless people need their privacy too”.

• President Biden will finally be making a public statement about the derailment incident in East Palestine, Ohio. Insiders report that he will confirm in his statement that MAGA Republicans are responsible and their extremism threatens the very foundations of our railroads in America. He will say that Republicans were there fanning the flames of the fire, much like the mob at the Capitol on January 6th. He will also announce that extremist Republicans are holding Secretary Buttigieg hostage preventing him from going to East Palestine to determine if the track at the derailment site is racist like many of our highways. Lastly he will announce a mandate for residents of East Palestine to wear masks and ask that they be welcoming when government workers wearing HAZMAT suits knock on their front doors.

• President Biden’s physical took longer than originally planned because he insisted on playing with the Legos in the waiting room. Then to make matter worse he threw a tantrum because they wouldn’t let him draw a picture to take home to put on the refrigerator.

• Earthlings have long pondered the question of whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. After our balloon fiasco the question now is whether there is intelligent life anywhere in the universe.