• Biden’s attorneys have expanded their search for classified documents in his Delaware home. Shocker of all shockers! They found Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 lost emails in Jill’s underwear drawer,
• Fort Knox just issued a contract for construction of 200 “lockable” garages. In their announcement they said, “Since locked garages are good enough to store and protect classified documents, so they should be good enough for storing and protecting our gold.”
• A new definition of wishful thinking. Diane Feinstein, who hasn’t known what planet she’s on for at least a year now, says she hasn’t decided yet whether she will run for re-election.
• No need to worry. The classified documents in Bidens’s garage were extremely secure. The boxes were behind a stash of Hunter’s paintings.
• A candidate for the worst expenditure ever – renewing Jimmy Fallon’s contract. Thankfully it was only for $80 million dollars,
• Adam Schiff, Ilhan Omar, and Eric Swalwell not only find themselves thrown out of committee assignments, but also have their offices moved to an abandoned bus behind the Rayburn House Office Building.
• Huh! Running for governor must be really lucrative. Stacy Abrams says she’ll probably run for a third time…, and then probably a fourth time…, and then a fifth time,… Oh well, it’s a living!
• There was a past rumor floating around that the nuclear codes had been misplaced. Well what do you know! They just found them in a private office used by Biden when he was VP alongside a Russian receipt to Hunter Biden for “Fireworks”.
• What do you know! Appears we’ve stumbled onto the solution to our illegal immigration problem – send Biden to the crossing points. Want proof? Well…, while he was in El Paso yesterday there was not a single crossing observed nor a single illegal in sight. Voila, problem solved!
• So now illegals have an app to apply for amnesty (apparently apps are the solution to all our ills) as they travel to the US border. Easier said than done! How many cell towers do you see in the jungles of Guatemala or the jungles and deserts of Mexico?
• Hillary has a new gig at Columbia University. She will be teaching a course called “How to be Revolting, Deceiving, Nauseating, Off-putting, Uninspiring, and Whiney All at the Same Time”.
• Apparently Pope Emeritus Benedict requested that President Biden not be in attendance at his funeral. Huh! If anyone would be able to recognize a “devout” Catholic you’d think a past Pope would.
• Adam Kinzinger has joined CNN. How long will it be before Liz Cheney joins MSNBC?
• Yesterday John Fetterman was sworn in as a US Senator. By the look on his face it was hard to tell if he was just missing his hoodie or he just didn’t know why he was there in the first place.
• Today President Biden announced that he was going to visit the border. Don’t get too excited until we find out how the White House defines “border”.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
• Here are the D and B predictions for 2023:
o Adam Schiff will claim he has proof that the Declaration of Independence is Russian disinformation,
o Janet Yellen will actually make a correct prediction,
o Sam Bankman-Fried will be honored as the 2022 Entrepreneur of the Year,
o Kamala Harris will lose no more than ten staffers in the year,
o Nancy Pelosi will publicly tear up Trump’s tax returns,
o Joe Biden will get lost in the Rose Garden and not be heard from for three days,
o Tom Brady will get a 10-year contract extension,
o Secretary Mayorkas will declare the border closed in those areas where there is a Trump constructed barrier wall,
o AG Garland will appoint a special counsel to investigate whether Trump has been counting all his golf strokes,
o Jerry Nadler will lose his lifetime membership with Weight Watchers,
o Liz Cheney will announce her candidacy for Dog Catcher in Wilson, Wyoming,
o Bill Clinton’s laptop containing his favorite “Epstein Island” pictures will be discovered at the local Walgreen’s photo shop.