• Portland, Oregon residents were thankful for the record 11 inch snowfall last week. For a short time, albeit for only about 24 hours, their downtown did not resemble downtown Mariupol, Ukraine or Baltimore.
• In Biden’s Equity World straight white men will only be allowed to wear bearskin robes and hunt mammoths with clubs and spears.
• Kamala Harris has added an extra staffer to her entourage when she goes to meetings, speeches, or other gatherings. This person will be responsible for carrying and waving the “Please Clap” sign.
• Russia’s economy just got a new shot in the arm. Biden has imposed additional sanctions on them.
• In trigger-happy Biden World all hot air balloons are now required to display a conspicuous sign on the side that reads “Chinese Spy Balloon” to avoid being shot down by mistake.
• Jill Biden says they are ready to announce their bid for a second term in the White House. She says Joe fully supports her decision.
• Bus drivers in Washington DC are refusing to travel on New Jersey Ave past the Southeast Federal Center (headquarters for the US Department of Transportation). A bus company spokesman said, “Buttigieg has been throwing lots of people and companies under their buses and they no longer want to be a part of it”.
• And now this! The Department of Transportation has announced that they are soliciting bids to contract for a travel agency to plan the Secretary’s first trip to East Palestine, Ohio. The Department estimates that their review and selection process should be completed in about a month.
• AOC is proposing a $100M aid package for East Palestine. She says they need the money to help safeguard their citizens in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.
• Volodymyr Zelenskyy has announced the Ukrainian purchase of five Hunter Biden paintings for $2M. Look at the bright side! It’s the first instance where we are able to trace where any of our billions of aid money has gone.
• The Bottlecap Balloon Brigade from northern Illinois has declared war on the US for the unprovoked attack on their air force. President Biden has demanded they stand down, or a tactical nuclear response could be in the offing. Hunter Biden has been sent to northern Illinois to de-escalate the situation.
• John Kerry has fired his travel agent. They dared to put him up in a four-star resort.
• Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot has closed O’Hare Field to aviation until further notice. In her announcement of this unprecedented action she said, “Afterall, homeless people need their privacy too”.
• President Biden will finally be making a public statement about the derailment incident in East Palestine, Ohio. Insiders report that he will confirm in his statement that MAGA Republicans are responsible and their extremism threatens the very foundations of our railroads in America. He will say that Republicans were there fanning the flames of the fire, much like the mob at the Capitol on January 6th. He will also announce that extremist Republicans are holding Secretary Buttigieg hostage preventing him from going to East Palestine to determine if the track at the derailment site is racist like many of our highways. Lastly he will announce a mandate for residents of East Palestine to wear masks and ask that they be welcoming when government workers wearing HAZMAT suits knock on their front doors.
• President Biden’s physical took longer than originally planned because he insisted on playing with the Legos in the waiting room. Then to make matter worse he threw a tantrum because they wouldn’t let him draw a picture to take home to put on the refrigerator.
• Earthlings have long pondered the question of whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. After our balloon fiasco the question now is whether there is intelligent life anywhere in the universe.
• Pete Buttigieg couldn’t make it to the townhall last night in East Palestine, Ohio because he couldn’t find a private plane to get him there.
• The language police are pushing to have the words “male” and “female” replaced by “sperm-producer” and “egg-producer”’ Wow, with eggs going for $6 a dozen…!
• Orders for the blue pill have gone up ten-fold in the last 24-hours as 70 and 80 year olds sadly bring down their wall posters of Raquel Welsh.
• Calling mumbling bumbling Biden the best communicator in the White House is like saying Pete Buttigieg is the best person to figure out how to prevent train derailments; or that AOC is a strong supporter of capitalism; or that Janet Yellin is the best person to head off inflation. Then again consider the competition.
• Andy Reid is one helluva mean guy! He didn’t allow the team to watch the Rihanna halftime show. Actually he should be praised. The last thing he needed was a second half team hitting the field that was discombobulated and depressed.